this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
