there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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