sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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