if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
