My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
