Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No subtext here. People are naked.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
