I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize