I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
