im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
