Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize