if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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