The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
