Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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