i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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