I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
