My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
