When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
