Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize