Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you traded sex for a burrito?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
two words: eviction party
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
