My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
