I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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