My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
