it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
