Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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