I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
