I just saw a hot homeless man
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
