I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
