Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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