"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
