forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
