please come you make the beer taste better
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
