Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
