apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
