So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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