pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
