i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
