I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
