Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize