My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
