Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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