He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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