Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
