I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
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