i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
