You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
