Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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