Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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