So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
