My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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