Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
