I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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