i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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