Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
operation have a gay friend backfired
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
