allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
