just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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