Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
