Are we in a gay sports bar?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We have started to decorate penises.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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