guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
