Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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