I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
