I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Come see our sink grown plant.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
