Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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