Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
