Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
