i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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