Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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