I smell stomach acid.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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